"Yes" I reply.
"Yes...And that is how old I will be when I am a teenager!" He declares.
Last week was his induction afternoon where he was invited into his new school to meet his teachers and be shown around the school. He had told me that there was 'No Way' he was going to start school unless his nursery teacher Sareeka (whom he has the the biggest crush on) can come along too.. I said I would have a word with her.
So Tallulah and I had been coaching him and encouraging him and telling him how much he would enjoy an afternoon at 'her school' but he was nervous and when it was time to leave the house he administered every stalling tactic he could think of from needing the loo to insisting we put all his animals in alphabetical order on his be to avoid that inevitable step further to becoming a big boy. My normally confident little chap that will happily speak to anyone was all of a sudden nervous and apprehensive... I would have indulged him were it not for the fact that we were running late and the letter had said arrive for a 'prompt' start... so I hurl my reluctant little 4 yr old and a noisy 1 yr old in the back of the car a pull out of the drive like a maniac. I arrive at school mildly out of breath after battling the daily car parking ritual and casually walk across the playground whilst silently hyperventilating when I imediately clock -The Celebrity Mum!
I know at this point everyone in the playground is thinking the same as me...firstly what his her name? secondly what program is she on?? Thirdly is my child going to get a playdate with said celebrity therefore catapulting me into a world of coffee mornings with daytime television stars and invites to red carpet events...ok ok so I was getting carried away but I did need to know her name so I could brag.
So the new children starters line up to be taken into their new classroom to be introduced to their new teachers and I coax Chester into line with a gentle shove and a look that says 'don't show me up' I step back and look proud as he shuffles in less than enthusuatic all the while thinking I really hope he doesn't do or say anything to embarass me... Little did I know that it wasn't Chester that would shame me this time it was the chubby little red head in the buggy.
Whilst the children disappear through one door the parents are then hurded through a seperate door into the hall where seats are laid out in 3 rows. Everyone is thinking who will sit next to the CM!
Not Me! As I have a buggy with a hyperactive 18mth old who needs to be tethered so I take the end of row seat and park him next to me. The lecture starts and the Head Mistress explains various bits of information on varied coloured sheets that are handed out in packs to each parent..at this point Felix decides he has had enough of sitting quietly and takes this opportunity to shout loudly, once he realises that his voice can echo in this high ceilinged room he gets louder...embarrassed I dig around in my cavenous baby bag and pull out a packet of yoghurt covered raisins - perfect. I learned my lesson on a previous occasion that offering individual raisins one at a time is no longer sufficient to keep him quiet as he prefers to be independent and have the packet himself so to avoid extra noise and a possible tantrum I hand it over...he immediately turns the packet upside down delivering loud pelting noises as each raisin scatters across the floor at high veloocity to a distance of at least 3 metres from my chair. I dont react other than to quietly retrieve each one as unobtrusively as possible whilst avoiding irritated stares from new parents eager to retain all information being delivered - although it is all written down in front of them.Taking in my 3 second rule of food on the floor I quickly stuff a few of the raisins in Felixs mouth to avoid further disruption, he chews for a few seconds and I start to relax and nod appropriately at the head mistress as though I have been thoroughly engaged the whole time. Felix then starts to cough loudly, I huff and tell him to shush, he has recently developed a habit of the Fake Cough so thinking this is his latest ploy for attention I ignore him, the coughing gets louder and turns into choking. I huff louder and pat him hard on the back as my face gets redder and redder. He then gags and throws up into my hand. Mortified and knowing several pairs of eyes are on me including CM's I practically dislocate my shoulder from its sockets to find the wipes from my bag on my right with my left hand which is not covered in vomit. I casually wipe up the particularly potent smelly yoghurt sick from my clothes and my son as best I can and sit up straight in my chair ignoring the smell and continue the acknowledging nodding as before. I thrust a small plastic toy man into Felixs hand hoping it will occupy at least a few minutes whilst my red face starts to turn back to its normal colour. Felix then hurls the said toy across the room hitting the front desk and landing close to the head mistresses feet. I pretend it had not come from my direction and ignore it. The school secretary who is fairly scary at the best of times picks up the toy and walks over to hand it to me, I accept it and quietly apologise as she purses her lips and returns to her seat. Felix at this point has had enough of his shackles and begins to struggle and yell to get out of his buggy. I unleash him - big mistake!
I then sit wrestling with him for an agonising 5 minutes whilst shushing him as he climbs all over me wiping the remains of his yughurt covered fingers in my hair and face and scrunching all the papers I had been given containing 'vital' informaion on into a soggy mess.
Then for his Finale - he stands up straight on my lap and does the most enormous man burp he can muster followed by an intensly proud grin checking out the room to see who now defies to give him the attention he requires. I hang my head in shame whilst a few stifled giggles come from the mums in the back row, all clearly enjoying the fact that is not their children causing ultimate disruption.
The head mistress finishes her speech and offers the room tea and coffee and I quickly retreat to the back of the room grab a drink and shove a biscuit in Felixs mouth and sigh.
Chester is released from his new classroom and I look across at CM and roll my eyes in a 'I bet this happens to you all the time' kind of way, she smiles. Tallulah would never have let me down in this way I think to myself... I think again, actually there was that 'poo in the hotel swimming pool incident'......
